182 and Counting: The Beatles, Ranked

    For as long as I can remember, the Beatles have been my favorite band in music history, despite the fact that they broke up more than a decade before I was born.  Recently, someone on a forum at which I post started a thread ranking all the Beatles songs, and it was just too good an idea not to completely rip him off.  So I went through and ranked each album's worth of songs, then integrated them all into a master list, which took surprisingly less time than I thought.  (Incidentally, if you think 182 doesn't sound like that many songs, consider that the Beatles really only recorded over a seven-year period, meaning that they averaged 26 songs - roughly the equivalent of two LP albums - per year.  And I'm only including songs written by at least one member of the group, so the 20 cover songs that appear on their first four albums don't even factor into it.)
    At any rate, the list starts now.  I'll be doing 20 songs per page; updates will be announced on the main blog page.  Songs will feature their ranking within their album and a brief explanation, along with something I like and don't like about each, where applicable (the latter will be very hard for some).  Some songs will appear together if they're consecutive and there's a link between them, to save a little time.  Oh, and remember that I'm only claiming this as my personal ranking, nothing more - you're free to disagree, but try not to vilify me if I hate a song you love or vice versa.  Okay, enough yap; onward!

182
Wild Honey Pie
(#30, The White Album, 1968)
It's down here mostly because it's not really a song - it's 52 seconds long, it's played mostly out of tune, and the only lyrics are the repeated "Honey pie!" before an "I love you" right at the end. McCartney has said this got onto the album mostly because Pattie Harrison liked it. Thanks, Pattie.
What I like about it: Um, it's short?
What I don't like about it: I know the White Album was very eclectic and experimental, but is it too much to ask for listenable songs?

181
Revolution 9
(#29, The White Album, 1968)
I actually forced myself to listen to all eight minutes of this before making the list. It finishes above "Wild Honey Pie" mostly because it's a lot more interesting, though it should be noted that "Wild Honey Pie" is not likely to scare the hell out of anyone any time soon, dissonant chord structure or not. Still, I refuse to count something like this ahead of tracks with actual music, so it isn't going any higher.
What I like about it: Some of the sounds are pretty interesting. I like the ones that are actually music-related.
What I don't like about it: It's not a song. Yoko has long gotten a bad rap for breaking up the group, but John never would have assembled a track like this if not for her, so she did lead him into at least one odd musical choice, if nothing else.

180
Only a Northern Song
(#4, Yellow Submarine, 1969)
179
You Know My Name (Look Up the Number)
(#12, Past Masters Volume Two, 1988; first released as the B-side to the Let It Be single, 1970)
These two get posted together because they're both an example of talent being wasted in one way or another. I can hear a good song mired beneath the endless unlistenable trumpet bursts and other sounds of "Only a Northern Song", and I wonder if they were a sabotage plot by John and Paul to keep George from putting out a good song mocking them. As much as I like the underlying song, the final product is impossible to listen to, which is why it's here. It's also why it's beneath the obvious throwaway "You Know My Name (Look Up the Number)", which was unthinkably the B-side to the single of one of the greatest songs the group ever released. This is another irritating one because there's obvious musical talent behind it, but it's just the Beatles apparently amusing themselves at the listener's expense by repeating the same line over and over again, and someone even comes on the mike and just kind of wordlessly blusters for the last 30 seconds or so. Fun in a strange way, but another one that's very difficult to actually last all the way through.
What I like about them: It's nice to know that even in the Beatles' least enjoyable song entries, there was talent on display.
What I don't like about them: You're the freaking Beatles. Write some good songs with that talent.

178
Good Night
(#28, The White Album, 1968)
Amazingly, we've already reached the point where I don't really dislike any of the songs in any significant way. Someone had to come last, though, and it's "Good Night" just by virtue of being completely ridiculous. With its over-the-top orchestration, languid Ringo vocal, and repetitive lyrics, it sounds like it was intended as a parody of children's songs, especially since Lennon wrote it, but apparently it originated as a lullabye for son Julian. Of course, by positioning it right after "Revolution 9", Lennon ensured that pretty much no one with a record player would hear this song (since most people probably just pulled up the needle when "Revolution 9" started and went off to do something else). Maybe he was embarrassed.
What I like about it: The orchestration does sound nice and lush.
What I don't like about it: I mean, this doesn't even sound like a Beatles song. And it's mostly suitable for children's listening only, regardless.

177
Glass Onion
(#27, The White Album, 1968)
I've never been a fan of songs that make references to other songs by the same band in their lyrics. There are a couple Beatles tracks that do it that I've forgiven it in, but this one is so thick with them that it just can't escape. It's also odd in that this is a John song but many of the songs referenced were written by Paul - "Lady Madonna", "Fixing a Hole", and "The Fool on the Hill". He also says that "the Walrus was Paul", which on the one hand seems to be poking fun at people trying to read too much into that and other songs. On the other hand, his infamous Playboy interview says that after writing the song, he went back and realized that the walrus was actually the bad guy in the "Walrus and the Carpenter" poem from which he took the image, so maybe it's a dig at Paul. I don't know, and frankly I don't really care.
What I like about it: It's got a pretty good melody, and the fadeout strings are effective in their creepiness.
What I don't like about it: Well, I think I've summed that up already. I know John was capable of writing better songs than tossing off one like this which just references a bunch of old Beatles songs.

176
Ask Me Why
(#8, Please Please Me, 1963)
175
When I Get Home
(#13, A Hard Day's Night, 1964)
174
Not a Second Time
(#8, With the Beatles, 1963)
The least songs off the Beatles' first three albums. "Ask Me Why" has some weird doo-wop/barbershop harmonizing, and the other two are just pretty unremarkable. These aren't bad songs, but there's nothing about them that makes me sit up and take notice either, unlike most of the rest of their respective discs.
What I like about them: Perfectly inoffensive.
What I don't like about them: Wholly unremarkable.

173
Girl
(#14, Rubber Soul, 1965)
172
The Word
(#13, Rubber Soul, 1965)
John Lennon has some great stuff on Rubber Soul, but these songs are not examples thereof - they're the only two tracks on the album I routinely skip. I've always found "Girl" boring - it just sounds whiny and ponderous, and the most interesting things about it are the supposedly veiled sexual reference (the backing vocals saying "tit-tit-tit", which manages to come out sounding like "doo-doo-doo"), and what seems like a drug reference (Lennon's giant suck-ins of breath, as though he's taking a drag off a joint). "The Word" is just sheer camp, with its corny lyrics about loving everyone among the most embarrassing the Beatles ever recorded, in my book.
What I like about them: Neither is bad musically, of course. I particularly like George Martin's harmonium playing on "The Word".
What I don't like about them: Mediocre songs on a great album.

171
Dig It
(#11, Let It Be, 1970)
By my announced standards, you'd think this "song" would appear much lower, but for whatever reason it's always amused me. It's just Lennon free-associating, pretty much, for about 45 seconds; apparently these were snipped from a 12-minute jam session. With respect to the band, it's probably just as well this was all we got.
What I like about it: Lennon's squeaky introduction to "Let It Be" with "And now we'd like to do 'Hark the Angels Come'." Some might say that such an entrance doesn't befit the best song on the album, but it amuses me.
What I don't like about it: Well, it is just a throwaway bit designed to make the album sound more like live performance. It and the equally throwaway (but not Beatle-penned) "Maggie Mae" were jettisoned on 2003's Let It Be... Naked in favor of "Don't Let Me Down", which can't really be considered a loss.

170
All I've Got to Do
(#7, With the Beatles, 1963)
Pretty formulaic early stuff, but the harmonies are good, as they usually were.
What I like about it: The harmonizing on the title.
What I don't like about it: It's pretty bland otherwise; not especially interesting musically, even for 1963.

169
No Reply
(#8, Beatles for Sale, 1964)
168
I Don't Want to Spoil the Party
(#7, Beatles for Sale, 1964)
167
Baby's in Black
(#6, Beatles for Sale, 1964)
This is probably the most overlooked album the Beatles released, but that's not exactly unfair - though it has a few good songs that show clear steps to more advanced albums like Help! and Rubber Soul, and though it's probably more consistent than either Please Please Me or With the Beatles in its divide between the best and the rest, there are few very remarkable songs on Beatles for Sale. The three least are in this set. "No Reply" is an odd song in that it has repeated musical hits but no real chorus; its lyrics are also pretty creepy, though I recognize the standards of the time. Still, the melody doesn't do much for me, nor does that of "I Don't Want to Spoil the Party". "Baby's in Black" is a little more interesting musically, with George's country-tinged lead guitar, but its lyrics are also more than a bit odd.
What I like about them: Musically inoffensive and sometimes even good, if not especially interesting.
What I don't like about them: Lyrically, all three are remarkably whiny, even by early Beatles standards.

166
You Like Me Too Much
(#12, Help!, 1965)
Help! was probably the last Beatles album to feature songs that actively strike the listener as filler - for one thing, it was the last Beatles album to include covers ("Act Naturally" as Ringo's token number and "Dizzy Miss Lizzy" because they apparently didn't want to close the album on the somber "Yesterday"). More importantly, it included songs that just sounded throwaway, something that to me was really never true again at any point, not even on Let It Be (though I think some people would disagree with that statement). Even the songs on Rubber Soul that were filler don't necessarily sound as bland as tracks like this do.
What I like about it: There's some good keyboard that sounds like it's being played in a tavern - I'm not sure how it fits with the song, but it sounds nice.
What I don't like about it: Totally disposable lyrics.

165
P.S. I Love You
(#7, Please Please Me, 1963)
164
Do You Want to Know a Secret
(#6, Please Please Me, 1963)
There's nothing particularly wrong with either of these songs except that they don't really sound like Beatles songs all that much. "P.S. I Love You" sounds more like Buddy Holly or Elvis, and John couldn't have thought much of "Do You Want to Know a Secret", presumably, or he wouldn't have foisted it off on George to sing. Either way, it has the feeling of a song the Beatles were covering, not writing. The best stuff on the early Beatles records has a distinct vitality; neither of these songs is particularly rocking, however.
What I like about them: They're more or less good listening, and have some moderately interesting musical aspects.
What I don't like about them: Really, these are Beatles songs?

163
I Call Your Name
(#11, Past Masters Volume One, 1988; first released on the Long Tall Sally EP, 1964)
Lennon couldn't have thought too much of this track, since it was first given to Billy J. Kramer (who was given several early Beatles songs to record) in 1963, and even when it was recorded by the Beatles themselves, it was stuck on an EP where it was the only original composition. It did make an appearance on the Crapitol album The Beatles' Second Album, but those American-only releases were pretty ridiculous. As for the song itself, it's expectedly pedestrian - it features an early use of 12-string guitar by George which gives a little kick, but the tempo is pretty blah and the lyrics are standard stuff.
What I like about it: The 12-string is nice, and there's also an interesting use of tempo change in the bridge, though that's more odd than cool necessarily.
What I don't like about it: Boring.

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