My Bottom 15+ Movies of All-Time

    The Internet Movie Database has a feature wherein its users rate movies.  These votes are then compiled into a number of lists, the two most prominent of which are the Top 250 and the Bottom 100.  Those of you who are reading this are no doubt familiar with my personal Top 50 Movies of All-Time; this is the Bottom 15+.  It started off as the worst 15 movies I'd ever seen, but when I had to add more but couldn't boot Titanic off the list, it had to expand.  #1 is the worst, so we're clear.

1. The Blair Witch Project
   - Unendingly boring, not scary at all, and really, when you get right down to it, not even all that clever.  "60 minutes of walking and 20 minutes of running," as I like to call it.

2. Whipped
   - What the hell was anyone who appeared in this thinking?   Juvenile humor at its worst, as not one single joke ever gets off the ground.   Insults its audience more often than makes it laugh.

3. Son of the Pink Panther
   - Incredibly lame, as if we hadn't seen enough pratfalling in the rest of this series.  One of the most useless sequels in film history, notable if only to see Life is Beautiful's Roberto Begnini in an earlier role.

4. The Avengers
   - Talented cast and a promising trailer made this all the more disappointing.  Probably not the worst of the old TV show remakes, this is certainly the most incomprehensible.  If you can figure out what the hell is supposed to be going on, you're a better man than I.

5. Showgirls
   - Trash-fest.  From its revolting beginnings to its sleazy plot, this movie just succeeds in continuing down Awful Lane for however long it runs.

6. Batman and Robin
   - "Holy crap, Batman!"  Tries harder than any other modern Batman film to make jokes, and fails miserably.  The one-liners come forced and furious, the actors have no chemistry, and the plot blows.  Go back to Burton.

7. Here on Earth
   - Most teen movies are pretty bad.  Not only is this film no exception, it actually manages to be quite possibly the worst teen film ever.   Terrible acting, the lamest plot imaginable, and the message that rich, good-looking jerks can get all the chicks they want.  This may be true, but we could do without the glorification.

8. Scream 3
   - The worst of the trilogy, but then that's hardly a surprise.  I was only dragged in to see this one because a "master villain" for the trilogy was going to be revealed... but like 2, the ending was just a major copout.  This didn't make an already unendingly contrived plot any more attractive.

9. Scream 2
   - For complaints about the ending (and plot, for that matter), see above.  Though far wittier than its sequel, it can't even begin to compare to its predecessor - a sad statement of fact.

10. Van Wilder
   - Gratingly bad.  Almost no plot, with a "villain" so over the top it's obvious he was thrown in just to make the "hero," not exactly the world's most likable character, look better.  Never funny; generally just disgusting.  Contains scenes I would pay to be able to forget.

11. The Beach
   - With a hero who has little other goal in life than to get high on weed, this isn't exactly a virtuous film.  It also just plain sucks.  I was already no fan of DiCaprio, but the plot is lame, the acting is weak, and the movie has no idea what genre it wants to be, drama or action or, at times, almost screwball comedy.   The Fight Club-esque touches that they try to add, such as placing DiCaprio randomly in a video game, don't work at all.  A good film to make fun of, but that's about it.

12. Boogie Nights
   - Got raves from some and was panned by others - I'm obviously among the latter.  Porn shamelessly posing as art, and I'm no fan of P.T. Anderson's style, either.

13. Fair Game
   - As one critic aptly put it at the time, "Cindy Crawford makes her film debut.  Maybe in her next movie she'll make her acting debut."  Sure, she gets naked for about fifteen seconds, but it's not worth sitting through this load of crap to get to it.  The only good line comes about two minutes in; after that, the plot devolves and the reason for greenlighting it becomes anyone's guess.

14. Planet of the Apes (2001)
   - If there was ever a remake that didn't live up to the original, this is it.  Playing like a Cliffs Notes version of the 1968 film with the details changed and the messages forgotten, this movie is insulting from start to finish, as it assumes we can't figure out plot twists that would leave four-year-olds saying, "Now who do they think they're fooling?"  Violent and cruel, unlike its predecessor, this movie doesn't send the message that we should keep an eye on nuclear buildup - it shows us that nukes can be put to good use eliminating the attacking ape armies.  What a treat.

15. Blade Runner
   - Has a massive cult following, but it's not always a critical fave, and it's easy to see why.  With a lead character stiffer than the androids he hunts, the film is a hopeless mess.  It takes a moderately interesting premise, and buries it with poor storytelling and muddled execution, complete with lousy editing.   The worst part was I had been hoping to like it, since it is such an audience darling.  But then again, so is Seven.

16. Scary Movie
   - Almost redeemed at the end by a brilliant Usual Suspects parody, but otherwise contains few laughs and is generally just sickening.  As is common with bad parodies, most gags go on and on, leaving the movie feeling dreadfully heavy-handed.  Better than some of the films it tries to skewer (no pun intended), but worse than most, even Scream.

17. Scream
   - Far better and much cleverer than either of its sequels, but still not really scary.  Never really rises above the lame-o slasher films it seeks to skewer.

18. Starship Troopers
   - Ultra-violence, meaningless sex, and horrible acting, as you'd expect, don't add up to much.

19. Titanic
   - Overbaked soap opera with all the terrific dialogue I'd expect from "Ernest Takes A Cruise."  Does well enough in the "present" time frame, but sinks quickly (no pun intended) as soon as we reach the past and DiCaprio shows up - no coincidence he wasn't nominated for any Oscars.  Easily the least deserving Best Picture winner (especially up against gems like L.A. Confidential, Good Will Hunting, and As Good as it Gets, all of which were much better) since Rocky beat out All the President's Men, Taxi Driver, and Network in 1977; probably least deserving ever as well.

Honorable mention: Charlie's Angels
   - Only one word is strong enough to describe this movie: god-awful.  In fact, it was so bad that I turned it off less than five minutes after turning it on - thus it avoids making the #1 spot on the list simply because I didn't see enough of it.  It could potentially have gotten better, but somehow I doubt it.

    * Please note that a variety of factors went into this.  For example, I probably enjoyed Fair Game more than Titanic, but Titanic had better production values and, at times, something approaching a plot.  (Not that it should have won Best Picture...)