"Michaela May marries Owen Baker, a dork"

   Michaela May, a fly young mink and programmeuse extraordinaire, today announced that she didn't care anymore and gave in to the wishes of classmate Owen Baker, a dork, by agreeing to marry him.

    "He's proposed to me 666 times," said Michaela.  "I just got really f---ing tired of it, so I said yes this time."

    "It tastes good," replied Owen Baker.

    May, raised as a California biker chick, declined to respond to this.  "Zaa?"

    Following the announcement of the engagement, Zach Rhonheimer, a local gay rights activist and part-time exotic dancer, was found dead in "The Love Shack" - his roomy San Francisco apartment.  Rhonheimer did not respond to phone calls.

    "It's delicious," added Baker.

    "Zach always had some kind of thing for me," Michaela told us, wistfully.  "It's a shame it had to end this way for him, face down in a pool of his own vomit."

    "Crispy, too."

    Many people are indifferent to the union of these two freaks.  "I don't care about either of them," whispered Benji Greenfield, failed porno star, now a janitor at Columbia High School.  Others were in disbelief.  "You're lying," murmured Anna Korn in a low, sultry voice.  Those past the denial phase are still somewhat shocked.   Gilbert Dussek told us, "I loved her, and Owen has taken away the only thing that I had.  Please excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom."

    "NUDITY, FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!!!" rambled the quiet bearded guy with the black jacket.