My Year of Bonds, Vol. 4: Thunderball

December 31, 2009

Holy crap.  Thunderball is supposed to be one of the better Bond films, right?  Am I just misremembering that?  Because while, okay, the early Bond films often haven't aged all that well, Thunderball has done so especially poorly.  And really, even aside from that, it just sucks.

The pre-credits unrelated action finds Bond and some woman attending the funeral of a guy Bond says he wished he'd killed.  The widow gets into her car, and Bond follows.  Somehow he's already at her house when she arrives, and then he punches her in the face.  ("That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!")  Turns out it's actually the supposed dead guy.  Bond says he knew this because a woman wouldn't have opened her own car door.  Uh, really?  This reminds me of a "Two-Minute Mysteries" book I had as a kid, where one of the solutions was that a woman's alibi of being off putting her new fur coat into storage (since it was summer) couldn't possibly have been true because any woman receiving her first fur would put it on and "purr over it," even in the middle of summer.  A woman couldn't possibly have opened her own car door?  I guess it was 1965.  Whatever.  So they fight a whole bunch and it looks kind of crappy, and then Bond kills the dude and escapes via jetpack, which looks really crappy.  Then it's off to Tom Jones and the title sequence.

Yeah, this looks totally convincing.

After taking a movie off, SPECTRE is back, as we jump into the main plot with Emilio Largo entering their secret headquarters (which uses a displaced-persons charity as a front).  Largo is "Number Two" - the colonel Bond killed in the opening sequence was apparently SPECTRE Number Six, making that sequence more related than it appeared, although really who cares.  Then they all go down a list of money they've collected from various sources.

This might be a good time to ask - what is SPECTRE?  They want to rule the world, don't they?  Because I'm not entirely sure that just collecting a bunch of money - much of which is presumably spent on their ludicrously elaborate hideouts - is the way to do that.  Their main villainy in this film is the project that Largo now discusses.  It involves stealing two nuclear weapons and threatening to blow up two major cities if NATO does not pay them one hundred million pounds.  Given that Number One describes this as the most ambitious scheme in SPECTRE history, don't those seem like not high enough stakes?  One hundred million pounds?  Was that "rule the world" money even in 1965?

Count Lippe, who I guess is supervising the project for SPECTRE, is at a spa in the south of England that happens to be near a NATO air base.  Through what appears to be nothing more than complete coincidence, Bond is also at the spa.  This enables him to find out just enough of the plan to be useful later.  It turns out that SPECTRE have taken some guy named Angelo and spent two years making him into an exact double of a NATO Air Force major named François Derval; SPECTRE then kills the major and has Angelo replace him, enabling him to steal a training plane carrying two live bombs.  Note that I was able to explain that in one sentence.  It takes the film ten minutes to get through all that and reach Bond's only real contribution of anything in the first half-hour, his again pretty much entirely coincidental discovery of the real Derval's dead body.

So Angelo steals the plane and flies it to somewhere in the ocean, where Largo kills him and takes the bombs.  (You would think at some point the people recruited by SPECTRE would realize that if you're doing a one-time job for a ruthless criminal organization that involves you getting a lot of money at the end, you're probably not going to live to collect that cash.)  Number One then has Lippe killed because Angelo was apparently a bad choice.  Uh, how?  He got you the bombs, didn't he?  Was he a bad choice because he wanted more money?  Because I'm pretty sure you were planning on killing him regardless - having a dude whose only purpose is looking and talking like some random Air Force major isn't the sort of thing that pays off more than once.  Anyway, Lippe is chasing Bond in his car and attempting to shoot him when someone on a motorcycle just zips up and blows Lippe and his car to hell.

The "conference room" in which MI-6 meets.  The conference room where?  Versailles?

So, we're now forty minutes into the movie and it's only just now that SPECTRE's ransom message is received by MI-6, which actually gets things going.  Bond sees Derval's photo in the dossier and recognizes him as the dead man from the spa, which enables him to be sent to the Bahamas in pursuit of Derval's sister.  Presumably because it's spent too much time jerking around already, the film has Bond find Domino - the sister - immediately upon reaching Nassau.  The scene in which they meet also begins Thunderball's obsession with spending way, way too much time underwater.  Bond gets Domino to go to lunch with him - why not? - but then Largo, her "guardian," arrives back at the island.

Now, you would think that Largo and Domino having a relationship would have some connection to Major Derval.  But as far as I can tell, it, like Bond's presence at the spa, is completely coincidental.  Just how brazen can this movie be in its desire to further the plot by having everyone appear in the same place for no good reason?  Okay, so I guess Domino says she met Largo in Capri, and she was there with her brother - so maybe Largo was there scoping out potential targets.  But that still makes no sense - since Domino went away with Largo, couldn't SPECTRE easily have used her as blackmail to just get Derval to steal the bombs for them?  Wouldn't that have been easier than spending two years putting some dude through full facial reconstruction and rigorous Air Force training?

Not a bad-looking Bond girl, but pretty useless within the plot.  Of course, so was Honey Ryder.

Also, Bond keeps introducing himself by his real name.  Dude.  SPECTRE knows who you are - they explicitly targeted you two movies ago!  And you know Largo's in SPECTRE because he wears their secret-club ring everywhere!  Don't just tell him your name, stupid!

Sorry.  So anyway, Bond gets back to his room and there's already an assassin waiting for him, because giving your real name to SPECTRE agents is a dumb thing to do.  The best part is that right before he catches the assassin, Bond socks Felix Leiter in the stomach so he won't say "007."  Could it really make a difference if SPECTRE knows Bond's number?  They know his name and exactly who he is!!!!  In From Russia with Love they contact MI-6 and ask for him directly!  What, would they be able to hack his bank account if they knew his code number?

Sorry.  Bond gets all his deus ex machinae from Q, who as always has read the rest of the script ahead of time, and then swims off to spy on Largo's boat.  The bombs aren't there, but we do get the first of several dull and not particularly easy to follow underwater fight scenes.  Bond wrestles with a frogman, then eventually gets away.  Reaching the beach, he walks to the road, where he's met by a car driven by SPECTRE assassin Fiona Volpe.  Again, there's no way this was anything other than complete coincidence.  The next day, she and Largo have a scene where Largo says that Bond should be killed "because he is Bond! ... an enemy of SPECTRE."  Hey!  James!  Stop using your real name.  Volpe says that if Bond had been killed the previous night, MI-6 would have known for sure that the bombs were in Nassau.

If I were part of a secret criminal organization, I'm not sure I'd wear a huge ugly ring announcing it to the world wherever I went.

Bond goes to Largo's place, and Largo shows him around.  I know it's common in these films for the hero and the villain to faux-pal around even when each knows who the other is, but what is Largo's motivation?  Just keeping Bond busy?  Whatever.  Meanwhile, Volpe goes to Bond's hotel with a couple Largo henchmen and kidnaps Bond's assistant.  That night, Bond takes Domino to a local festival, but leaves her with Felix and sneaks into Largo's estate.  After a five-minute scene yielding absolutely no information (but featuring another crappy underwater sequence), Bond returns to his hotel, where Volpe is waiting for him.  After they get it on, guess what?  Largo's henchmen show up and Volpe pulls a gun on Bond!  He looks surprised, which is hilarious considering he knows she's in SPECTRE.  Then he tells her that he only slept with her "for king and country," which is also hilarious given that it ends up achieving nothing at all.  Volpe takes Bond away in a car, but he escapes through the festival and ends up at some club... where Volpe and the henchmen arrive about ten seconds later.  The henchmen try to shoot Bond while he's on the dance floor with Volpe, but he turns just in time to use her as a shield.

So... first of all, the Volpe character is completely pointless.  Second, she says that Bond should not be killed lest MI-6 get tipped off... and then plans to kill him that very same night?  You couldn't even wait until the ransom was delivered or at least until the bombs were moved?  And finally, didn't these henchmen have a second bullet?  "Bang!  Oh no, we shot Fiona!  Well, even though Bond is still standing there, completely defenseless, let's just run away sheepishly!"

The next day, Bond and Felix find the plane.  Bond swims down and picks a couple of identifying items off "Derval," then somehow finds Domino immediately.  They have sex underwater while still wearing scuba gear.  (What?  That's totally plausible.)  Back on shore, he shows her François' dog tags and watch, and she agrees to help, although she ends up being totally useless.  Bond manages to sneak off and join the team of frogmen Largo is using to retrieve the bomb.  Somehow, even though everyone is in scuba gear, Largo is able to recognize Bond, and after another stupid underwater fight, Bond is stranded in the cave where the bombs were.  As usual, all the exciting theme music in the world is completely incapable of making the underwater scenes compelling.  Back at the boat, Domino finds out that the bombs are now aboard using a Geiger counter Bond gave her, but is immediately caught by Largo, who ties her up and prepares to torture her.  Glad you could be of help, Domino!

Then it gets really ridiculous.  Bond is rescued by the Coast Guard, who then parachute a group of their own frogmen into the ocean to meet Largo's bomb carriers.  Thus begins what I hope is the most boring, hardest to follow, stupidest "action" sequence in Bond history.  The frogmen on both sides start fighting underwater.  It is just the most God-awful, lame-ass thing you can imagine.  The Coast Guard seems to be getting its ass kicked when Bond arrives and somehow manages to turn the tide of the entire thing even though he's just one dude.  Also, the film keeps cutting to reaction shots of aquatic animals for no good reason.

Hey, what does that octopus think about this scene?  I'm convinced they only included the animals to prove they weren't just shooting this sequence in a pool somewhere.

After nearly ten excruciating minutes, the Coast Guard recover the bombs, but Largo gets away.  Bond stows away on his boat, and what follows is, again, what I hope is the most ridiculous-looking action sequence in Bond history.  Nearly the entire thing - which cuts between Bond fighting Largo and his men inside the boat and awful-looking projection shots of "the boat" "going really fast" "towards a reef" - is run in fast-motion, which I guess is supposed to make it seem more exciting but really just looks like the last scene of your average episode of "The Benny Hill Show."  It never looks real for even a second.  The music also has an oddly chirpy quality - Alma compared it to the music from It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.  Largo finally gets the upper hand, but Domino shoots him in the back.  They jump off the boat before it crashes and get rescued.  The end.

OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE WAS AWFUL.  I had my issues with the first three, but overall I thought they were decent action films, especially for the time.   This one, I'm quite certain, has aged more poorly than the others, particularly in the end sequence - but how was it ever good?  It's stupid.  One of the main villains is a completely useless character.  Even Domino is little more than window dressing and a plot point.  The villains are completely inconsistent in their behavior and most of what Bond does on the island is a total waste of time that almost seems designed to run the clock down to the very end.

And what's with this being the second Bond film in a row where the main villain is a dumpy fat guy?  Did they even realize that guys like that are not threatening?  Where's the sleekness of Joseph Wiseman as Dr. No or the quiet menace of Robert Shaw as Grant?  That's probably one of Thunderball's biggest failings - the villains just aren't menacing and you rarely get the sense that Bond is in significant danger.  At least Goldfinger had a laser.

The awful, awful end fight sequence.  As bad as this looks, it's even worse in motion.

Really, no one in Thunderball does anything.  It takes well over a quarter of the running time just to set the main plot in motion, and that main plot should involve Bond going around Nassau collecting evidence about where the bombs are or at least doing something that moves the plot forward.  But he doesn't!  All he does is spend most of an hour learning two things - that the bombs aren't on Largo's ship and aren't at his house.  WHO CARES???  That's supposed to be interesting enough to spend an hour on?  The rest of it is just Bond dicking around and not getting killed by various assassins who suck at their jobs.  It is tedious.  Say what you want about the standards of the time - the other movies were more compelling by far.  No wonder Kevin McClory wanted to remake it in 1983.

I'm looking forward to moving on.  Sure, this was supposed to be a good one, and sure, some of the ones coming fairly soon are supposed not to be... but man, could they really be more boring and stupid than this?

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